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It was the night time earlier than we might discover out if our fifth – and certain closing – strive at an embryo switch labored, and I sat on the sofa with my husband, sobbing right into a blanket.
For the ten days after having the embryo transferred to my uterus, I fluctuated between positivity and negativity; some days I used to be certain it had labored, however different days I acknowledged it most likely hadn’t. That closing night time, I knew in my intestine that we’d failed once more.
We’d thrown all the pieces we had at this one: acupuncture, dietary supplements and even a 24-hour journey to Chicago for platelet-rich plasma remedy through which medical doctors injected sure components of my blood into my uterus in an effort to thicken its persistently skinny lining.
I took a being pregnant check the morning after my breakdown on the sofa, and certain sufficient, it was damaging. Docs warning that at-home exams might be unreliable, they usually urge fertility sufferers to attend for in-office blood exams which are extra correct. However I couldn’t wait. Months earlier than, the information of my first failed embryo switch had upended my workday, so I started taking my very own exams as a approach to defend myself from the inevitable devastation of a nurse’s 3 p.m. telephone name within the midst of an unrelenting information cycle.
I’m a justice correspondent at CNN. I started fertility remedies simply weeks earlier than I used to be the primary correspondent on our air to report that the US Supreme Courtroom had overturned Roe v. Wade. My 5 embryo transfers over the following 18 months coincided with the upheaval surrounding that call, plus the January 6 congressional hearings and former President Donald Trump’s quite a few court docket fights. It was an insanely hectic time at work, however on the similar time, I used to be driving the emotional rollercoaster of a fertility routine that wasn’t working.
I’m sharing my story to present hope to the numerous ladies on the market who’re struggling. Whereas I used to be on my journey, it helped me to listen to tales of how different ladies handled the ache and the way they persevered. I notice my battle was comparatively quick in contrast with others’, however I write this to present folks hope that miracles do occur.
I believed I had performed all the pieces proper. Years earlier than, at 36 years outdated, I started exploring my egg-freezing choices, one thing a superb pal had performed at age 37 and had inspired me to do as properly. Marriage was not even remotely on my radar on the time, nor was any considered instantly wanting or having children. My journalism profession was my focus. However, I believed, possibly my older self would thank me. So a number of months after turning 37, I went via two rounds of egg retrieval, netting and freezing 23 eggs in all.
Simply earlier than my first retrieval, I started courting the person I might marry. Freezing my eggs gave me peace of thoughts: I knew I’d most likely need children sometime, however I used to be so consumed with residing my life, chasing my desires and now courting an unimaginable man that settling down and having children was, even in my late 30s, not on the entrance of my thoughts.
Adam and I obtained married in Could 2019, simply weeks after I turned 39, and we obtained pregnant on our honeymoon. Sure, it was the dream state of affairs. And I used to be fully naïve. I knew I used to be fortunate to get pregnant so simply, however I didn’t notice what number of ladies battle.
In actual fact, I’ve since apologized to my sister about my ignorance and insensitivity. The 2 of us obtained pregnant at the very same time, and we now have sons who’re simply 5 days aside in age. However her first being pregnant resulted in a miscarriage, and he or she struggled for greater than a yr to get pregnant together with her first baby. Although we shared a being pregnant timeline, I wasn’t delicate sufficient to the truth that she was so nervous whereas I felt comparatively carefree.
The delivery of my son Lincoln was very tough. I used to be induced at 39 weeks, and after 4 hours of pushing and three makes an attempt to extract my son through vacuum, we proceeded to an emergency C-section. I used to be disenchanted but additionally exhausted and able to take any steps obligatory to make sure the secure supply of my son.
I used to be elated to carry him in my arms, however within the weeks after the delivery, I used to be nonetheless bleeding closely and sometimes handed giant clots. Throughout my six-week postpartum checkup, medical doctors carried out an ultrasound and found that I used to be experiencing the consequences of retained placenta. Days later, I underwent a dilation and curettage, also called D&C, a surgical process that removes tissue from contained in the uterus. After that, I felt wonderful – or possibly I used to be simply distracted, caring for an especially colicky new child – and I believed all was again to regular.
However 18 months later, after we started attempting for a second baby, I noticed nothing was regular.
I used to be 41 years outdated and 100% certain I needed a sibling for my son. Typically, it felt like that want was grasping: We had one wholesome baby, some remarked, so why couldn’t we simply be pleased with that? However I wasn’t.
I bear in mind the ache and disappointment I felt when selecting up my son from day care and feeling like each different mother there was pregnant with a sibling for his or her baby. In actual fact, so many mothers had been anticipating that the children turned accustomed to pregnant bellies. At one pickup, a gaggle of youngsters ran as much as me, put their palms on my stomach and requested: “Is there a child in there?” I laughed it off, however inside, I used to be distraught.
After we weren’t conceiving naturally, I believed to myself: No drawback, that’s why I froze my eggs. We started the method to show these eggs into embryos in March 2022 and shortly had been elated to study that my 23 eggs had resulted in 10 wholesome and viable embryos. We had been satisfied that we had been on straightforward road and could be pregnant once more very quickly.
However whereas I used to be present process the in depth hormone routine for our first deliberate embryo switch, the medical doctors found that my uterine lining was not enhancing to the thickness essential to assist a being pregnant. Our June 2022 switch was cancelled, and I used to be devastated.
It started to really feel like time was simply slipping away. I used to be now 42, my son was nearly 2½, and I used to be questioning if a second baby was actually within the playing cards for us.
Then one other switch was cancelled, and by late summer time 2022, medical doctors determined to maneuver ahead regardless of my extraordinarily skinny uterine lining.
A primary switch failed, as did the second. Simply earlier than the third switch, my physician advised me that my finest likelihood at a dwell delivery could be via gestational provider, when one other lady works with you to hold the embryo that’s biologically yours. I used to be speechless. That was not the answer I used to be anticipating to listen to, particularly on the eve of yet one more embryo switch. To have my physician appear to surrender hope with out a lot rationalization enraged me.
Positive sufficient, the third switch failed.
I frantically started consulting different medical doctors and different fertility clinics about what is likely to be fallacious with me. I made a decision the simplest and most quick path ahead could be to modify medical doctors on the similar clinic.
I used to be fortunate to have Dr. Michael Levy, founding father of Shady Grove Fertility, conform to work with me. His optimistic outlook and dedication to find what was going fallacious was precisely what I wanted in that second. He introduced me in for extra ultrasounds and one other hysteroscopy, and he tried completely different hormone regimens — all as we moved towards one other embryo switch.
In these ensuing months, Dr. Levy concluded that my persistently skinny uterine lining was most likely a results of my postpartum D&C — one thing I had lengthy suspected however no physician had been forthcoming about. I’ll always remember when he confirmed me an image of the within of my uterus, taken throughout a hysteroscopy. It confirmed a sheet-white inside, not the fluffy pink that needs to be obvious within the lining.
Dr. Levy advised growing my estrogen dosage earlier than the transfers to spice up the thickness of the uterine lining. 4 months later, and earlier than we underwent a fourth embryo switch, we came upon we had been pregnant naturally.
It was baffling and thrilling. However a sluggish heartbeat was detected on the six-week ultrasound, and we finally misplaced the being pregnant at eight weeks, when one other ultrasound not detected a heartbeat.
We had been devastated once more, however that miscarriage gave me hope: Perhaps my physique might assist a being pregnant. Nonetheless, my miscarriage lasted eight weeks. Though I had a D&C, a number of the being pregnant tissue remained, and yet one more process was wanted to take away it.
The procedures and physician visits felt limitless, however with new hope, we barreled ahead to a fourth embryo switch, regardless of my skinny lining. After one other switch, we obtained phrase that it failed and felt despair once more.
A number of months later, in January 2024, we did one final embryo switch, realizing that there was no level in persevering with to spend the cash if that fifth didn’t work. I bear in mind sitting on the mattress with my husband simply hours earlier than we formally came upon about our fifth failure, each of us in agony that we couldn’t make it work regardless of what felt like limitless efforts.
In early 2024, our despair become dedication. We nonetheless had 5 embryos remaining, and we started exploring the opportunity of a gestational provider — sure, the identical path my first physician had advised greater than a yr prior, at which I had balked. I started searching for out ladies who additionally had issue. Kristen Welker of NBC Information and Rebecca Jarvis of ABC Information had been super sources of assist and inspiration as we tried to determine whether or not surrogacy was the appropriate path for us.
We interviewed surrogacy businesses and started filling out functions. We had been decided to present our son a sibling, irrespective of the trail. We had been so lucky that we had so many wholesome embryos nonetheless remaining.
My husband was a real rock all through these years of devastation and despair. Positive, there have been late nights within the kitchen when our frustrations resulted in screaming matches. We frequently questioned whether or not we should always simply settle for that we might have just one baby. However when surrogacy appeared like our solely choice, we each agreed that we would later remorse not taking that route. Even with the staggering $100,000-plus price ticket, we talked about taking out loans and chopping prices, hoping that at some point, the value we paid could be small in contrast with the enjoyment of being a household of 4.
In late March 2024, the unattainable occurred. On Easter Sunday, days away from turning 44, I found I used to be pregnant – naturally.
The following day, in one other accident, the surrogacy company notified us that they’d discovered us a match.
It was arduous to get too excited concerning the being pregnant in spite of everything our failures and disappointments. The possible surrogate agreed to attend a number of weeks, till we knew how the being pregnant was progressing.
Extremely, the newborn appeared robust from the primary heartbeat at six weeks and once more at an eight-week ultrasound. I held my breath via the primary and second trimesters, solely beginning to considerably loosen up as soon as we hit 30 weeks.
Now, we’re simply weeks away from welcoming our second son, though concern generally creeps in that one thing might nonetheless go fallacious.
I nonetheless surprise how and why any of this occurred. I notice how lucky I’m. It’s a true miracle that I obtained pregnant naturally after years of struggling. I additionally notice that so many ladies aren’t as fortunate.
My message to ladies out there’s to carry on to hope. It took three years till we obtained our miracle. For others, it takes for much longer. And for some, it’s a distinct path completely.
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Though I finally didn’t get pregnant on account of freezing my eggs at age 37, that call gave me hope and supplied us with choices. I like to recommend it to any lady who thinks they might need kids sooner or later.
Advocate for your self. For those who aren’t getting the solutions you deserve from one physician, change to a different. Converse up when one thing doesn’t really feel proper.
And discuss to different ladies about their struggles. A number of buddies advised me about their miracle pregnancies of their mid-40s, and it helped me immensely to listen to them. It was all of those shared tales of hope that stored me going.
The fertility journey might be emotionally draining and bodily tough. Though we dwell in a society the place the battle has usually change into harder after Roe v. Wade was overturned, it is usually a society the place ladies have change into extra clear and open to discussing their struggles.
Ask questions, hunt down ladies who’ve gone via issue, and by no means hand over in your dedication or hope.